I have been living with my anxiety for 22 years, a long relationship that who knows if it will ever end, maybe someday we’ll learn to get along, who knows. Our bond certainly grew stronger when I started university: I became aware that during these years I would be shaping my future, and that has always felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders, which maybe now has lightened a bit and I’ve learned to manage better, but it still shows up from time to time.
BREAD, ANXIETY, AND ENGINEERING
Here’s how my first semester went
Even though I attended a science-oriented high school and was objectively prepared for an engineering program, I still spent the first semester of my first year doubting my abilities and wondering if I was really in the right place.
I was extremely nervous; the courses seemed difficult, and the very thought of exams terrified me. In fact, the question that kept tormenting me was, “Am I studying the right way?” (spoiler: I still wonder sometimes). I was afraid of studying the wrong way, maybe too superficially and not thoroughly enough, which gave me terrible anxiety. As a result, I threw myself into studying, but this only helped partially because the anxiety and lack of confidence in myself were still there, and I couldn’t shake them off.
In the end, I took the first-semester exams and was even satisfied with the grades I got, but at what cost? After the first semester, COVID hit, and that was when I realized that for six months I had completely devoted my life to studying, but how much had I really explored Turin? Very little. How many times had I gone dancing? Zero. This obviously wasn’t good, because then, the one time I did go out, I felt guilty and anxious because I wasn’t studying.
The Exam Chapter
The COVID period was probably the worst; the anxiety I felt completely shut me down: error 404, Chiara.exe has stopped working.
This, of course, led me to make really stupid mistakes, which made me very angry because in the end, I was so panicked that I was only thinking about the time ticking away and my brain not functioning.
This situation was obviously made worse by the fact that the exams were held remotely, I couldn’t talk to anyone before the exam, so I couldn’t distract myself, and my anxiety only kept growing.
At some point, I got fed up; I asked myself why I should ruin my exams by panicking.
So what I learned to do, and still do now, is to just go for it more. I try to think that I’ve studied the material, and if I stay calm, I might even get an idea for that exercise I have no clue how to approach. Worst case, the exam can be retaken. In fact, when I feel myself starting to panic, I try to stop for a moment and think that maybe there’s an exercise I can’t solve, but I don’t give up, and during the exam, I give 100% of myself, so I can say I tried, and at least I won’t have any regrets. If I panic, I end up making mistakes even on things I was sure I knew well.
In the End, I Learned Something
Now that I’m in the first year of my master’s degree and have a bit of experience under my belt, I can say that I’m even too relaxed when it comes to studying and exams. But what I’m truly proud of is that I’ve learned to dedicate much more time to activities that aren’t strictly related to the university (sometimes maybe a bit too much), but at least I enjoy life a lot more, and I finally know Turin better.
Of course, anxiety still pops up now and then; I don’t think it will ever go away because I’ve understood that that’s just how I am. It’s a part of my personality and represents me, but now I can manage it better, and I no longer feel guilty if I go out for a walk on a Saturday instead of studying.
What I’ve realized over these years is that, in the end, a bit of healthy self-confidence never hurts, and indeed, perhaps it’s that along with calmness that can get us through even the toughest exam.